NEW YORK, NY – On Thursday, U.S. District Judge Richard M. Berman overturned the NFL’s suspension of New England Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady, who had been sanctioned for his alleged knowing use of underinflating footballs during the 2015 AFC Championship Game, citing his personal inferiority to the Patriots QB. “You’re asking me, regular ol’ Dicky Berman, to rule against the Tommy Terrific – the four-time Super Bowl Champ, three-time Super Bowl MVP, and the guy with the most division titles in league history?” wrote Berman in his decision. “Ha, okay. When I put up those numbers, then we’ll talk.” Judge Berman’s reasoning not only exonerated Brady in this case, but seemed to elevate the quarterback entirely above the law. He concluded, “It would totally make sense for me to tell Tom Fucking Brady that he can’t play football because of my .870 win percentage at home and my undefeated 2007 season, while he’s just some loser district judge deciding ball inflation cases. Oh, sorry, did I mix us up? I know I did – he’s free to play football.” At press time, Judge Berman was seen in the parking lot angrily throwing footballs into a target chalked on the side of the building.

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