SPRATLY ISLANDS – A new Asia Maritime Transparency Initiative report has some shocking information: Recent satellite images reveal a rad beach party is in the works on newly constructed islands in the South China Sea.
Immediately, the international community had concerns.

“Do you think I’ll be invited?” asked a bashful Enrique Manalo, the Philippines’ Secretary of Foreign Affairs, “I really do hope I get to go. I hear China’s Vice Chairman of the Central Military Commission Fan Changlong will be DJ-ing. That guy is a legend.”

“Will this be BYOB?” wondered Judge Stanislaw Pawlak aloud during a session of an international court at The Hague. “Man, I doubt it. Secretary of the Central Commission for Discipline Inspection Wang Qishan is in charge of drinks, and he’s a pretty chill dude. I’ll be there.”

While all these questions still swirl around the situation in the South China Sea, China continues to dispatch planes and aircraft carriers – presumably for the balloon drop at the end of the night – and erect radar facilities with pretty sick speaker systems.

At press time, the President of the People’s Republic of China Xi Jinping said of the bash in the South China Sea, “Mar-a-Lago parties ain’t got shit on us.”