GEORGETOWN, D.C. – Despite having declared the entire 2017-2018 school year as hers, sophomore Anna Daniels (NHS ’20) has still managed to bungle up almost every aspect of her school year so far.

“Anna was so confident that this was her year to shine,” said roommate Heather Huang (NHS ’20), “but on her first day in class she forgot her textbooks and at her first party of the year she threw up in the punch bowl.”

Though Ms. Daniels has already claimed this academic year as her own, she nevertheless arrived at school, took a step onto campus, and immediately tripped and fell, breaking her nose.

“WHY CAN’T SOMETHING JUST TURN OUT WELL FOR FUCK’S SAKE”, said Daniels from her hospital bed after contracting the mononucleosis virus on her third day.

At press time, Ms. Daniels was reportedly emailing her professors her late assignments, before her IV tube slipped and soaked her computer.