GEORGETOWN, D.C. – In a response to multiple accounts of racist graffiti drawn around campus, Georgetown President Jack DeGioia firmly declared that, “at Georgetown, any acts of racism or bigotry will always be met with the sternest of emails.”

After swatiskas were found in the elevators in Village C West on Tuesday and LXR on Wednesday, DeGioia very firmly sent out a campus-wide email, explaining that when white supremacy threatens our campus culture, we must always stand together and receive one standard-issue email.

“After hearing of the first incident, I was worried this was just the beginning of a wave of Nazism on campus,” said concerned freshman Angela Faroe (NHS ’21), “but once I saw that our president is willing to match fire with long pages of bureaucratic text, I was so relieved.”

DeGioia continued to explain that a special ad hoc committee would be created to act as a campus watchdog. The president is hoping that being able to recognize patterns of white supremacy before they appear will allow him to much more quickly write the entire situation off with a strongly worded email.

“Our campus should be a safe haven for all students, no matter what race, religion, sex, orientation, gender, creed, or self-identification. That is why we are committed fully to stomping out any incidents of hate by whipping up a quick form email and pressing send,” explained the university president earlier today.

At press time, DeGioia approached the podium to give final remarks on these troubling events, and promptly pulled out his laptop with an email draft ready to go.