COPLEY HALL – After an especially quiet evening in Copley 302, Chaplain-in-Residence Peter Anthony explained to the Heckler over an untouched plate of brownies that, “Apparently God’s plan for me involves a lot of sparsely-attended tea and snack sessions, I guess.”

Anthony went on to reveal that, despite his best efforts to get “at least one buddy there” to keep him company for his “fun little get-together,” even his two cats had neglected to show up.

“You have to remember that God works in mysterious ways,” said Anthony through a mouthful of tortilla chips, “To me, that means that sometimes you have eat a full plate of cookies because no one dropped by to grab a couple, even though you’ve been putting up flyers about it for weeks and telling anyone who will listen about it in the elevator. You don’t want all those cookies – or these chips, for that matter – to go to waste.”

Anthony went on to say how he had invited some of the other Chaplains, but they had all told him either that they “had a thing,” or that they were “just super strapped for time right now.” When reached for comment, Village A Chaplain-in-Residence Bess Hamblin explained that the other chaplains don’t go to Anthony’s events because “His brownies fucking suck.”

At press time, Anthony was reluctant to let anyone leave empty-handed, exclaiming, “Would you mind taking a couple of these extra brownies? Here, let me get a Ziploc bag – I have them all ready. Please don’t go anywhere!”