We get it: You LOVE horses. We do too. And we’ve got some pretty freakin’ good news: The four horsemen of the apocalypse are here, and their handsome stallions have lustrous, flowing manes!

“Impossible!” you might cry out. We’ll say it again: these horses are handsome.

The first one’s name is “Pestilence” and he is a beauty! When we first saw him galloping out of a stormy cloudbank with his rider raining down plagues of locusts on innocents, we couldn’t help but say, “So. Darn. Majestic.”

Next up in this stable of adorableness is our boys “War” and “Famine.” They have two of the most lustrous manes we’ve ever seen: They are literally on fire. That’s right! These swishing locks of smooth hair burn with the hell-fire of eternal damnation. Wow!

Hold your cursed horses, my fellow equestrian enthusiasts! There’s still one gorgeous stallion to go. And this cutie’s name? “Death”! Death is a little on the timid side, and very attached to his rider, a 2000-year-old skeleton gladiator in a black cloak made of human sin. But, if you feed him enough of his favorite food (carrots), and let him wear his favorite harness (it’s literally just live vipers), then he’ll probably let you softly pat him or maybe even let you ride for a while!

It is such a privilege that we are able to spend time with these dignified animals. But remember: Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth! Ha ha ha! Seriously, though: you will be turned to stone.