GEORGETOWN.

Reporters today were stunned when University President John J. DeGioia sheepishly announced in a press conference that he had “misplaced the endowment” but that he was “sure it’s around here somewhere.”

“I don’t know where I could’ve put it,” DeGioia stated before taking questions. “I’ve checked all the usual spots. Under my car seats, in my suit jacket, I even emptied out my entire briefcase. I suppose it could still be in my pants pocket from yesterday, but I seriously doubt that.” Nevertheless, he ensured reporters that he would check there when he returned home.

Georgetown’s endowment, approximately $1.5 billion USD, is critical to the stability of the school and provides crucial resources that allow the school to keep its tuition costs competitive and attract high quality faculty, among other things. “But who hasn’t lost one and a half billion dollars every once in awhile, am I right?” DeGioia joked. “I swear, if my head wasn’t attached to my shoulders, some days I’d walk right out the door without it.”

When asked if he remembered the last place he saw the endowment, DeGioia responded with a curt, “Well if I remembered that it wouldn’t be lost, now would it?”