YATES FIELD HOUSE – Onlookers looked on in awe as they witnessed one of the finest displays of pure, manly prowess Georgetown has to offer, in the form of certifiable hunk-and-a-half Jerry Garcia (NHS ‘20, no relation). In a two-hour set, Garcia did it all – both repping and  maxing, with only minimal time dedicated to relaxin’ all cool.

“It was unbelievable,” said bystander George Harrison (COL ‘23, yes relation). “I’ve never seen such utter blasting of one’s own muscles. Dude did a 300 pound squat, and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t even Leg Day. He can have my girlfriend if he wants.”

Garcia stayed exclusively in the free weights section of the gym for the full two hours, not even deigning to glance over at the weight machines, which he said were “for old people and virgins.” 

“Yeah, I’ve gotta make these bi’s and tri’s look good, but it’s all those little stabilization muscles that allow me to maintain the title of “hunk,” Garcia explained. “Look at these veins. You think a lat pulldown is gonna give me this kind of definition? No, sir.” 
In response to a question about his diet, Garcia simply cracked five raw eggs into a glass and drank it, Rocky-style. Reporters from The Heckler then decided to leave so that they could eat breakfast without throwing up.