We here at the Heckler consider ourselves erudite folk, and we take pride in being well-read in all the great classics of world literature. Something we have noticed, however, is that the ending lines of some of those novels have been complete snoozefests. So, we have taken the liberty of improving the closing lines of four classic works of literature. As we are and ought to be the sole arbiters of good taste, these edits will doubtless become the definitive endings of these otherwise lacking texts. Prepare your literary bosoms to flush with excitement as you behold these masterworks!
- The Sun Also Rises, Ernest Hemingway
“Oh, Jake,” Brett said. “We could have had such a damned good time together.”
“Yes,” I said. “Isn’t it pretty to think so?”
… Ernest. Ern. Ernie. Whaddaya doing here. This SUCKS. It has absolutely nothing to do with suns rising. This makes it seem like you don’t even know what your own book is about, which, I don’t need to tell you, is pretty bad. So try this one on for size:
“I guess, in the end, the sun did also rise.”
See how much better that is? The sun very clearly RISES, plus we see obvious character growth with the narrator coming to realize that it does. I’ll take my royalties via cheque, Mr. Hemingway. NEXT!
- The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald
“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”
BOOOORIIING. Boring. Boring BORING. Boats? The PAST? Come on, Frankie Fitz,
you’re better than this. You know what, since I like you, I’ll give you this one for free:
“I guess, in the end, he really was… the Great Gatsby.”
See the pathos? The final-ness? Take notes, maybe the Heckler will deign to hire you like
they did me. NEXT!
- Nineteen Eighty-Four, George Orwell
“He had won the victory over himself. He loved Big Brother.”
Mr. Orwell, a lot of things happened in the year 1984. Apple released the Mac, Bruce Springsteen released Born in the USA, and Liechtenstein gave women the right to vote. You know what didn’t happen? There were absolutely no “personal victories.” Nobody changed as a person in 1984, and that’s a fact. So give this ending a go:
“I guess, in the end, that year really was… nineteen eighty-four.”
See how it’s done? Do better next time. And while you’re at it, try not to unintentionally give argument fodder to anti-socialist reactionary scum. Just something to keep in mind. NEXT!
- The Stranger, Albert Camus
“For everything to be consummated, for me to feel less alone, I had only to wish that there
be a large crowd of spectators the day of my execution and that they greet me with cries of
hate.”
Bert, I’m a big fan. But you really dropped the ball on this one, pal. Stick to being an emo
walking advertisement for coffee, and let me write absolute gems like THIS:
“I guess, in the end, I really was… the stranger.”
Boom. Book = OVER. That’s that on THAT.
And that’s all, folks. I think it’s pretty clear I’ve contributed extensively to the field of
literature. Join me next week as I make improvements to the speeches on John F. Kennedy!