“Friends, family, vulturous representatives of SAC, we gather here today to remember and celebrate the life of our dear friend, arch-nemesis, and lover, the Georgetown Caravel. Today is, to be sure, a sad day. But it is also a day for rejoicing, for we know that our favorite undergraduate organization that rephrased Reuters articles and posted it to a website is now with the Lord, the Lord, of course, being the hallowed Center for Student Engagement. O how glorious and powerful the CSE is!”
“I remember the first time I ever mocked the Caravel. We at the Heckler were issuing a call for applications, and as a matter of course I included in our post that we would be accepting neither subversives nor members of the Caravel. I may have also implied, later on, that the Caravel was also housing weapons of mass destruction within their offices. Looking back, perhaps my mockery was just my way of dealing with the hots I had for the Caravel’s finely toned body. However, I truly thought that that would be the end of it. But love happens in mysterious ways, my friends.”
“It was only a few weeks later when I happened upon what appeared to be an April Fool’s post by the Caravel, an adorable attempt at satire, that I realized something that made me feel butterflies in my stomach – the Caravel is just so, so, monumentally stupid. Looking back, this was my awakening as a morosexual. That night, I knocked on the Caravel’s door wearing nothing but a trenchcoat, hoping to give myself fully to them. Of course, I should have anticipated that they would be too busy lifting weights and being generally hunky to take charge in a relationship, so I had to come back the next night with my strap-on and just give it to them all night. Pretty soon I had their full-fledged devotion.”
“And that, for the most part, was our relationship. They would love me unceasingly, and I would encourage their little hobby by telling them that yes, you did a very good job analyzing the Indian farmer’s protest! Don’t forget your protein shake!”
“And, although I may seem to be less invested in the relationship than they were, the truth of the matter is that I loved them deeply too. Yes, they were stupid. But it wasn’t just their beefy muscles and empty mind that drew me to them. It was their spirit, their completely irrational faith in their ability to change the world through their international relations commentary. That, and I felt safe in their arms, more so than anywhere else in the world. Perhaps what I truly loved about them was that they loved me. Is that selfish? I don’t know. Ultimately, I think it doesn’t matter. Who someone loves is as much a part of them as anything else. So maybe I only loved them for their love of me. But I think that, in a way, in doing so I was really loving their soul.”
“So, now my himbo boyfriend is gone. The past may be gone, but our love will remain. And so, forever, hail and farewell, my dearly departed.”