ALLENTOWN — While many Georgetown Students venturing home this Thanksgiving are preparing for a barrage of questions from family members, one freshman has devised a way to avoid talking to Aunt Jen about the quality of food at the dining hall and his relationship status for two consecutive hours.
Andrew Smallman (COL ‘18) arrived at his Pennsylvania home this evening with a written college “Progress Report,” as he called it, to inform his relatives about his first three months in college without actually having to talk to them.
Smallman (COL ’18) will be able to zone out in peace this year at Thanksgiving dinner.
Citing a grueling eight hour question and answer session throughout Thanksgiving Day in 2013 from relatives all over the family tree, Smallman devised what he called a “foolproof” way to communicate his current life without having to subject himself to talking with relatives.
Upon arriving at his house Wednesday night Smallman reportedly distributed the report to the half dozen relatives gathered in his kitchen before going to his room to lay on his bed and GChat with his friends from school.
Sources reported neither Smallman’s infant cousin nor 94 year-old great aunt received a report as neither were in a position to ask him about his life.
“I have a lot of aunts and uncles, and they ask a lot of questions,” says Smallman. “I first started with my resume, but that didn’t account for a lot of things. Everyone wants to know about my love life, like dammit Mom, you’ll get your grandchildren eventually.”
Some of the details of the report include things such as, “No, that girl in my Facebook picture is not my future wife,” and “No, I do not drink as I am under 21 and that would be illegal.”
“The first line of the report actually just says “good” for those relatives that feel obligated to ask, “How’s college?” but don’t really give a shit about anything after that,” said Smallman.
The report also includes other common responses about academics like, “No, I don’t know what I want to do, yes I do know that’s ok, and yes I know we need a doctor in our family.”
Smallman expects the report to save him valuable time and energy this Thanksgiving, but his relatives have promised “a thorough review” to find undiscussed subject matters to grill him about in person.