HENLE 57 –  The residents of Henle 57 are experiencing a roommate struggle at the hands of an unhygienic, inconsiderate slob who refuses to wash his dishes. Said an anonymous source that contributed heavily to this article, “Hey Steve, you’re probably sitting on the couch watching Netflix right now maybe even chilling in the sense that you […]

Normally the last one’s to show up to the party, GERMS, the student-operated emergency medical response team, will be throwing a “primarily ethanol-fueled house banger” in order to reduce their average response time down to 0 minutes. “It’s basic business economics – vertical integration,” explained squad captain Jennifer Knowles (NHS ’15) as she set a […]

VILLAGE C – In a student conduct hearing on Friday Gary Kim (COL ’18) cited his first amendment “right to assemble” in defense of his alleged “dope ass pregame.”   “The judicial board was very confused when I plead not guilty to the charges of alcohol possession and noise violations,” said Kim after his hearing. […]

    In an unexpected turn of events, a wealthy international student purchased all the tickets for GPB’s Chainsmokers concert within the first minute. “When I smoke I usually go outside Lau, but I’m often alone. When I heard Chainsmokers were coming to town, and they were cool enough for people to pay to hang […]

  NEW SOUTH- Austin Bell (MSB ’18) reportedly returned a condom to a H*yas For Choice door envelope this past weekend, boasting about his thrifty sensibility. “I pride myself on my lack of wastefulness. I mean, I even recycle my aglets when I no longer need a pair of shoes. So as soon as I […]

MIDNIGHT MUG- While walking to a class in Car Barn this past week, Mark Evans (COL ’18) was reportedly ambushed when a shady figure wearing a Corposaurus shirt and colorful snapback emerged from the shadows of the exorcist steps.  “All you need to do is wear this hat backwards, give me your mortal soul, and abandon […]

METLIFE STADIUM- With a record of 3-12 thus far, this season has been difficult for the New York Jets. Fans of the organization were dealt another blow Sunday when the team was mathematically eliminated from next year’s playoffs.   Experts at NFL headquarters reported early Sunday that due to poor play they will be out […]

37th & O ST– This past week the Georgetown academic council was forced to take “drastic action” to combat grade inflation after many Georgetown professors reported that most students were receiving scores in the range of 92% – 97%. The Director of the Academic Council issued a public statement this past Monday, “In an effort […]

ALLENTOWN — While many Georgetown Students venturing home this Thanksgiving are preparing for a barrage of questions from family members, one freshman has devised a way to avoid talking to Aunt Jen about the quality of food at the dining hall and his relationship status for two consecutive hours.   Andrew Smallman (COL  ‘18) arrived […]

ST. MARY’S- John Martin (COL ‘15) was flabbergasted to learn yesterday afternoon that the NHS was not the National Honor Society, but in fact the School of Nursing and Health.   When we caught up with John and asked him how he could go four years without figuring out the truth about the NHS he […]