HARBIN — Sources close to Brandon Weisglass (NHS ’18) revealed earlier today that those within his inner circle congratulated him for another night of behavior symptomatic of alcoholism.
Weisglass, whose memory of the night ends around 9:15 pm due too excessive alcohol intake, was informed that he violently threw up on two occasions, danced on several tables, and repeatedly flipped off DPS officers.
“Keep it up dude,” said Neal Clapper (NHS ’18) while giving Weisglass a pat on the back and offering support to continue into a third straight month of self-destructive behavior.
Those who saw Weisgalss had nothing but praise for his “hysterical” behavior which, unchecked, could lead to long-term liver problems and memory issues amongst others.
“It’s so funny how he’s wasted from the moment go,” said Erin Bahij (COL ’18) alluding to how Weisglass frequently drinks by himself in his dorm room before going to any pre-games. “Total life of the party.”
Weisglass received several high fives from other residents of Harbin 8 for trying to start a fight with a football player and repeatedly engaging in incidents of high-risk behavior brought about by his lack of inhibitions.
“That dude just doesn’t say no to anything,” said floormate Dylan Cosartas (COL ’18), who repeatedly called Weisglass a “pussy” throughout the night until he took shots with him.
Weisglass’ friends reported that Weisglass had, from the night’s start to finish, been incoherently intoxicated as he has been almost every weekend night this year and expressed unabashed support for his systemic “hilarious” behavior.
“That kid goes so hard every night. Sometimes on week days too,” said Clapper admirably about Weisglass’ use of alcohol as his sole outlet for emotional issues and stress relief. “Wish I could be more like him.”
“God, Brandon shows up trashed to literally everything. It’s a fucking riot,” said his friend Andrew Grabstone (MSB ’18), referring to Weisglass’ extreme discomfort at navigating social situations sober.
At press time a debate was being held in the common room about who had been the drunkest while taking AlcoholEdu.