REISS – As flames from a chemistry experiment gone horribly wrong consumed his classroom, students in Professor Martin Benjamin’s class expressed concern over Benjamin’s inability to call 911.

Speaking to reporters, Grace Jones (NHS ’17) said, “Like, holy shit, the cabinets just exploded, and he can’t fucking unlock his phone!”

According to witnesses at the scene Professor Benjamin, who has a PhD in Chemistry and Physics from Berkley, struggled to perform the basic task of opening his dial pad and typing in three numbers on his iPhone 6.

 
“Just hold on, I was never good at all this new-fangled technology stuff. They don’t make phones like they used to, do they?”

As Benjamin was speaking, a towering column of fire raced up the west wall of the classroom. Several students noticed the professor was typing the numbers 9-1-1 into a Facebook status.

In response to criticism and screams of agony from students, Professor Benjamin said, “Just keep your pants on, it will be five more minutes tops. Now, how do you call the Siri girl again?”

“There is smoke everywhere and he’s up making jokes about how at least this isn’t a power point presentation! I’m pretty sure Beth just passed out,” said a visibly distraught Emma Zenick (COL ’17).

“He wanted one of us to come up and help him with it but there wasn’t enough oxygen in the room for any of us to crawl to the front of the room.”

 
Experts consulted by the Heckler have indicated that the average professor spends 10% of each class hopelessly scrabbling with various technological instruments before asking someone else to set up their powerpoint or video presentation.

 
At press time, the scent of charred flesh was noticed emanating from the classroom, and Professor Benjamin was heard saying, “Ah yes, I opened the phone app. What’s the number?”