The Georgetown Heckler

News | January 24, 2015

Surgeon General Recommends Classifying Watching Georgetown Basketball as a “High Risk Behavior”


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WHITE HOUSE — Late Saturday afternoon Surgeon General Vivek Murthy released the results of a 7 year study in which he recommended that watching Georgetown basketball be classified as a “high risk behavior.”


“Whether struggling to maintain a lead in the closing minutes of a game or attempting a futile comeback, even a single instance of watching Georgetown basketball may be fatal,” reported Murthy.


At the press conference Murthy went on to describe several anecdotes of Georgetown basketball games which left many Hoya fans emotionally impaired.


“Even for those in the strongest mental condition I cannot, in good conscience, recommend this type of behavior to anyone.”


The report was greeted with little surprise on campus.


“I was never a hardcore [basketball] watcher, it’s something that I really just did recreationally with friends,” said Junior Calvin DeSantos (SFS ’16). “Even before this report came out I figured what we were doing was kinda dangerous. A couple of my friends got emotionally numb for a few weeks after a particular bad game. That was rough.”


“You are always chasing that first high [of winning the National Championship in 1984],” said Sophomore Anna Valentina (COL ’17). “There’s no way things will end well once you get into it.”


Although Murthy characterized the problem as being localized largely to DC, he noted that once individuals became hooked they continued the unhealthy behavior regardless of their location or age.