POTOMAC, MD – Despite the estimated quarter million dollars and years of spirit maiming stress he will cost his parents throughout his childhood and adolescence, 7-year-old Jordan Watts remains entirely unaware of his existence being the root cause of his parents’ divorce.
Both of Jordan’s parents, Ben and Jillian, have separately corroborated their son’s polarizing presence.
“Ben and I used to spend a couple of weeks a year in Florida,” said Jillian, in reference to the couple’s disposable income now being spent on karate lessons that Jordan will grow tired of by middle school. “But Jordan is happy, I think, and that’s all I care about,” continued Jillian, who used to also care about her greater career goals, maintaining friendships, and setting aside time for her creative writing hobby until Jordan chose to insert himself front and center before all of those things.
Ben also spoke longingly of what he called the “pre-Jordan era”, a time that “ended the moment that 8 pound, blood-soaked dream vacuum decided to climb out of my wife and into the world like he owned the place.”
Still, Jordan has no sense of his own responsibility in dismantling what friends of his parents would once described as a “model relationship”.
“I’m their only kid, and it’s because I’m their special little Jordan!” said the ignorant Jordan, whose mother and father unanimously decided to forego having another child after the insurmountable wedge the first one managed to drive between them in only a few short years.
Jordan has reportedly shown no signs that he may one day stop selfishly demanding all of his parents’ attention.
“Mom and Dad do everything with me – drive me to school, come to my soccer games, take me to the park – everything!” said Jordan, conveniently leaving out that each of those needs lessens both the time and desire that Ben and Jillian have to spend time alone with one another.
“It’s just so ruthless, I don’t see how it can’t be intentional,” said Cory Hayes, one of Ben’s close friends, referring to what he calls Jordan’s “hate-breeding warpath”. “I don’t know what they teach in first grade, but I’d expect the kid to understand that he’s not the center of everyone’s goddamn universe.”
Ben and Jillian say that when they finally make their separation final after ten years of dwindling respect for one another, they plan on reassuring Jordan that it was not even partially his fault. Said Jillian, “At that point, we can only hope, he’ll be old enough to still be only worried about his own life and not realize how blatantly false that is.”