The Georgetown Heckler

News | February 13, 2017

Congress Grinds to a Halt as It Awaits Advice from Freshman Facebook Post


CAPITOL HILL – Gridlock continues for a third straight day in the Capitol as senators huddle around Lindsay Graham’s computer hoping to find out their next move.

“We have a tight situation,” remarked Virginia Senator, Mark Warner. “We’re here trying to get the business of the nation done, but until Sarah posts her next status it looks like we’ll just have to wait.”

A daily ritual has now been disrupted. Senators from both sides of the aisle could count on Sarah Anderson’s (COL ’20) most recent Facebook posts for vital political counsel. But for now, they are totally lost.

“What are we going to do without her expert political insight,” stated a dead-eyed Chuck Schumer. “We’re nothing. Absolutely nothing.”

Anderson has been lauded in political circles for her expert handling of the Guantanamo Bay prison complications (“SHUT IT DOWN PLZZ”) and the rollout of ObamaCare (“OMG, can you just PLEASE gimme healthcare. FUCK.”). And, to this day, many believe that she was the force behind the 2008 bailout of the auto industry (“My parents bought me a Pontiac… Will that still work??”).

For now, the halls of congress are quiet as senators mill about in hopeless angst. When asked about his upcoming campaign schedule, one senator said simply, “What’s the point? We’re all Sarah’s puppets.” Then he refreshed his Facebook feed, sigh, and began to cry.