1. Bribe Bob Menendez 100 times 2. 10 million GUGS Burgers 3. Give every student 7500 dollars in financial aid 4. 1 year of Patrick Mahomes 5. Making Paul Blart: Mall Cop 6. Starting 100 Subway franchises 7. Funding Doug Burgum’s primary campaign 8. Renting 2 Pandas from the Chinese government for 20 years 9. […]

Dear Georgetown,  I’m gonna level with you here, I’m having some money issues and am in dire straits. Since my parents are no longer sending me $2,000 a month to support my lifestyle, I am forced to take drastic measures to ensure I do not starve on the mean streets of Washington DC.  It would […]

Well, yes, you have received a three month extension on the draft. It’s now due in four days, ten hours, and seventeen minutes. But it’s okay, king! Thinking about it a lot is really half the battle, and lord knows you are now expecting to start thinking about thinking about starting your thesis by now. […]

In advance of their upcoming hiring season, the esteemed Georgetown University Agricultural Social Club & Farmers Union (who for some reason run the campus’s student-run banking and credit services) have created a demographic report on their Fall 2021 recruitment and hiring cycle. The report details a demographic breakdown of what communities GUASFCU’s newest tellers, schemers, […]

Hello, my cherubs. Bushrod Washington here, ready to give the people what they want. Studies show that 83% of The Heckler’s readers are virgins, car salesmen, Elvis impersonators, crypto traders, government interns, or guys named Ron, so I know y’all need help in the sex and love department. I’m excited to launch my sex, love, […]

“I just knew it was time for a change,” wrote Sarah McShann-Walpole (NHS ‘23) in an unsolicited email to The Heckler. McShann-Walpole reached out to us in hopes that we could share and inform the Georgetown community about her norm-defying relationship and the importance of pursuing what makes you happy. We felt obligated to share […]

GEORGETOWN UIS — “Oh Duo? You mean the hardest working little guy in IT?” chuckles Judd Nicholson, CIO. Nicholson agreed to talk to me about the unprecedented levels of hatred for the dual authentication system among students and faculty, but Duo was simply too busy keeping our information and accounts secure to join the conversation. […]

HEALY HALL – At approximately 8:43 PM tonight, Provost Robert Groves was on his way to a Henle pregame with the squad, slightly tipsy off a single shot of Smirnoff Citron he took with Dr. Ranit Mishori and Dr. Randy Bass in the VCE lobby. Excited to know where this night would take him and […]

Cara Montez-Jones (SFS ‘23) is KILLING it right now with her political takes! In response to the news of the horrific Texas abortion ban, as she has for many causes before, Cara took to her Instagram story to decry the move and the people that made it. Cara, a Connecticut native, had lots to share.  […]

Hoya Saxa! We are proud to announce that we are consolidating all of the programs and resource centers for students who do not fit our standard (i.e., most visible and lucrative) demographic into the basement of New South Hall. The basement is now to be renamed the “You Are Different Than Us Memorial Basement” in […]