The Georgetown Heckler

News | March 7, 2017

Discovered! The One Reiss Water Fountain that Only Spits Vintage Prosecco


REISS – Last Monday, a small cohort of sommeliers gathered around a 1968 Elkay EZS8L water fountain on the third floor of the Reiss Science building to examine a recent discovery.

“That’s it, that’s certainly proscecco,” chuckled Eduard Torro, a veteran sommelier. “Well obviously we thought this was some big hoax, I mean, some random water fountain shooting Riodo Spago? I mean, that’s a vintage prosec. But I’ll be damned.”

The water fountain was first noticed by Laura Pemonté (NHS ’17) as she was preparing for a microbiology lecture in room 338. Pemonté, a native of Naples, Italy, noticed something was askew.

“I was simply walking by this small water shooter,” she said, working to hide her strong accent. “But then I smelled something like home. It was like champagne, but Italian. Because that is what prosecco is. Champagne, but Italian.”

She immediately alerted university authorities who took the information to the SSA (Sommelier Society of America). Then the SSA dispatched a team of venerated wine experts. The experts, primarily men, descended on the Reiss building in only two short days. Each one carried a special “wine-expert kit,” stashed with two crystalline vials, a vintner’s sampling kit, and the March issue of Cigar Aficionado.  

In the upcoming days, the university will conduct a series of tests regarding the prosecco incident. However, it is likely that the prosecco flow will sustain itself through the week, or at least until Sunday brunch.