The Georgetown Heckler

News | September 11, 2017

Newborn Had Hard, Long First Day


WASHINGTON, D.C. – Local newborn is reportedly exhausted after an intense, fast-paced first day. After going into that stressful day ready to learn from experience and colleagues, infant James Garfield has made it known to family and friends that today was just too much of a whirlwind to handle.

“We took James on with the confidence that he would be able to contribute to the team from the beginning,” stated James’ supervisor, Martha Garfield, “but after today, we realize we might have to carry the weight for James until he picks up the ropes.”

According to sources, James had to pass multiple qualifying examinations with little to no knowledge beforehand. To make matters much worse, his colleagues and supervisors convinced him to take these tests nude.

“To be honest, I don’t even remember my first day. It seems so long ago. But I can imagine being in a room with Martha for such an extended time could really wear someone out,” said colleague and number one fan, Lily Garfield.

At press time, James had retired to his room to nap and helplessly shit his diaper.