I love my son, but in the 353 days since his birth, he has not once used the phrase “Radical Islam” nor has he said “Dada.” I never thought I would be a parent raising an anti-American baby, but I suppose that this is reality. My son is so immersed in the politically correct […]

PHILADELPHIA, PA – With only hours left until the 2016 Democratic National Convention kicks off, far-left delegates, activists, and voters remained excited to see their months of campaigning and advocacy coalesce into a few speeches that turn Donald Trump’s divisive rhetoric into safe punchlines and easy applause breaks.   The Democratic party’s progressive wing underwent a monumental […]

While Marvel’s Daredevil television series has made historic strides in the representation of mutilated lawyer-heroes in popular media, activists continue to push for more public exposure of the group in television and movies. “The sight-impaired, legal vigilante community is continually boxed out of Hollywood,” said Rick Rockwood, a corporate contract lawyer by day and a […]

WASHINGTON, DC – Two months after Justice Antonin Scalia’s passing at age 79, President Obama once again urged conservative factions to take action regarding the dilapidated purple futon on which Scalia lounged during oral arguments and still rests in courtroom chambers today. “This is oppositional stubbornness at its worst. It is your responsibility to act. […]

VATICAN CITY – On Monday, in an effort to boost church attendance and reduce any legalistic stigma surrounding Catholic doctrine, Pope Francis declared that, “from now on, Christians need to only just try, even if it’s just a teeny tiny little bit, to feel bad about doing a sin.” “If you sin, even just a little bit, […]

THE BASEMENT, TEXAS – Taunting the unsated appetite of local resident Jared Florder, a pringle stuck at the bottom of its can became ,on Thursday evening, the admittedly fat-fingered man’s “white whale”. “I’ll get her if it’s the last thing my stubby, bulging, sweaty digits can do,” Florder emphasized, after a third attempt at fishing out […]

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Federal Election Commission reports released today revealed that 30% of donations to the Bernie Sanders (I-VT) campaign, totaling $42 million, has been spent on cans of Polar™ Seltzer for the candidate. “Seltzer is terrific,” said the Vermont Senator at a press conference to a young, impassioned crowd of 25,000, “It’s simple, affordable, […]

LINCOLN, NE – President Obama cited the “Goddamn need to do everything around here,” on Thursday morning as he made a brief stop in a cross-country campaign trip to certify passport forms at the Shale Dr. US Post Office in Lincoln, Nebraska. “Friggin Cheryl always files the DS-11s without checking the I-918s,” the President angrily […]

After a year in the Facebook group trenches as a student brand ambassador for Smartify, an app startup “dedicated to creating a global learning environment through innovative multimedia synergies”, John Dunnam (COL ’19) is receiving several offers from top telemarketing firms that are eagerly recruiting students with his skill set. “I give a lot of […]

Citing his failure to drum up any coverage on even local stations with his last three kills, sources are reporting this Thursday that Serial Killer Daniel Morris Timms is really hoping his most recent victim will be hot enough to get the incident onto the evening news. “I really think this could be my big break,” […]