We the students of Georgetown University and the Georgetown Heckler, stand together today in solidarity to demand that the Administration divest any possible endowment holdings in private prisons or Red Lobster franchises. The unethicality of profiting off of the imprisonment of persons and the immorality of seducing customers with Cheddar Bay Biscuits has long been […]

REISS — As the clock neared 6:10 PM this Thursday in Reiss, multiple students reported that it looked like ethics Professor Joanne Martin was going to keep lecturing right up to the last fucking minute. “Oh god, he’s introducing a new topic with only 5 minutes left in class. There’s no way this guy lets us bail even […]

Early reports indicated that nobody cared why he was happy, they just wanted him to stop.

SANTIAGO — As NHS junior Jordan Smith (NHS ’18) discussed her experience abroad in a phone interview, she made sure to emphasize her excitement at the prospect of coming down with a cool infection or hosting an exotic virus that she would not ordinarily come across in Washington. “Studying abroad is an amazing opportunity to […]

As a guide for how you did: Anything under 100% is, “Jack and Anna are smirking. ‘Do you even know who’s fighting in Syria?’ they ask and then laugh. You walk away, ashamed you understand so little about international relations, but somehow knowing you definitely won’t learn more about it.”

1) Sleeping near your cell phone The jury is still out for how unsafe this really is, but who needs your phone that close to you while your sleep anyway? A nearby night stand is a safer bet. 2) Eating meat from fast food restaurants The heavy use of preservatives cause some who err on the […]

ALLENTOWN, MD – A political controversy arose in Allentown after citizens elected a figurehead mayor, local dog Spot Stanley, only to be shocked as Spot immediately ordered a sweeping series of budget cuts to entitlement and public housing programs. A press conference was held only hours after the “swearing in”, attended mostly by small children and their […]

University Policy: Georgetown feels that officially affiliating with one organization with sexual abuse scandals will suffice. Applying: Surprisingly refreshing for a Georgetown club to admit they just dislike you as a person. Housing: Just as awful as everyone’s. Hazing: Never heard of it. Purpose: Some Greek organizations are social, others are pre-professional, all are alcohol-based. […]