WASHINGTON, DC – A report released Monday evening by the Bureau of Justice Statistics revealed a shocking study showing that Spy was almost 4 times more likely to be arrested than Spy. “The numbers tell a pretty disturbing story. We can’t have dangerous individuals like Spy out there threatening those citizens just trying to do […]

GEORGETOWN HOSPITAL – Noting that his arm had in fact finished healing after spending the last eight weeks in a cast, Harrison Crenshaw’s (SFS ‘19) doctors nonetheless refused to remove the cast until the Chicago native returned with more signatures. “I treat all sorts of injuries here from fractured ankles to broken backs, but I […]

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – I have always lived my life by one simple principle: be prepared. That is why for the past seven years of my professional career, I have filled my briefcase with nothing but Smucker’s grape jelly. Every morning, I retrieve my briefcase from its place in the fridge and every night I […]

Let’s cut the crap. You’re a Georgetown student. You live in DC. Let’s see how much you know about the city in which you reside. Ok we’ll start easy. This should be a no-brainer. This one’s a little tougher but if you’re a true DC denizen you should know this. A little more on the […]

HEALY HALL, GEORGETOWN – In a sudden development in the 2017 GUSA election, over 200 emails from a candidate team were leaked late Tuesday night revealing a trail of massive corruption and a set of depressing Friday night plans. The leak exposed multiple messages between the candidates and club leaders pledging GUSA funding in return […]

REBEL CAMP, THE SILVER KINGDOM – As night fell on rebel tents scattered outside the evil empire’s main city, secondary character Borin of Yorkenshire stared wistfully into the fire, silently doubting his chances of survival heading into the following day’s final battle. “Over the past few weeks, our ragtag team of fighters has managed to […]

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, GEORGETOWN – Ever since I arrived on campus three years ago I knew something was afoot. From mysterious underground tunnels to quiet ruminations about secret societies, I suspected this campus had a sinister underbelly and I was determined to find it. Yet several semesters of searching had revealed nothing. Interviews with top University […]

M STREET, GEORGETOWN — After working through several dry bites of rice and black beans, SFS sophomore Jeff Sadler (SFS ’18) excitedly told sources he had finally hit an enormous guacamole vein running through the center left side of his Chipotle burrito. “It was tough going at, first I’m not gonna lie. When mouthful after mouthful […]

DUPONT CIRCLE — Rubbing the sleep from his eyes and letting loose a satisfied yawn, local man Jonathan Fitzpatrick expressed to sources late Sunday afternoon that after a long, restful night’s sleep, the 34 year old security guard was ready to focus on feeling shitty about the other things in his life. “I must have […]