THE LIVING ROOM. After falling asleep on the couch whilst three-fourths of the way through a bag of spicy jalapeño Lays potato chips, all signs pointed to the fact that senior Joe Bianchi was down for the count. Or so everyone thought. At 1:36 a.m., fellow living room occupants reported that Joe had reawakened for […]

Have you ever woken up at 4:50 am screeching at the top of your lungs because you can’t for the life of you remember if you’re supposed to be delivering our nation’s mail? Do you frequently black out in public and see paralyzing visions of undelivered packages and envelopes coming to exact their revenge on […]

LOS ANGELES? – Did you have the audacity to assume that baseball might be over by now? Could you even conceive of the fact that there might still be more baseball? Well it’s time to get your head out of your ass and embrace reality because according to all available reports, baseball is going to […]

5 Photos of Washington, D.C. in Autumn That Sinners Like Us Don’t Deserve WASHINGTON – That magical time of year is nearly upon us in the District of Columbia, when the crisp, rejuvenating fall air blows in and the foliage begins its breathtaking transition into autumnal color. It’s the perfect time for Georgetown students to […]

We have all had that one amazing professor that completely changes our lives for the better. What can you say to a person who has had such a profound impact on your life? Sometimes it can be impossible to find the right words. Other times, you find the wrong words but say them anyway and […]

BURLEITH – Hold onto your seats folks, because sources indicate that late Thursday afternoon, Senior Joseph Barnes (COL ’18) officially announced that this year would be the year that he loses his virginity. “This is it boys,” proclaimed Barnes to a room of acquaintances who were not paying attention. “Victory lap. I can just feel […]

OUTER SPACE – Despite numerous, well-choreographed fist fights with henchmen and several tense confrontations in which our Hero naively declared that “good will always prevail,” reports indicate that the green, pulsating ancient relic that is somehow the key piece to Zorg’s plan for world domination has fallen right into his hands. According to our Hero’s […]

Here it is folks. Someone’s finally done it. Over its many years as an institution of higher learning, many Georgetown students have wandered the sacred and historic campus grounds, perhaps eating a GUGS burger or just chatting with some friends about the latest pop culture. But underneath all that mirth, they have been all secretly […]

RED SQUARE – Stating that “everything we do, we do for our loyal voters who deserve better,” sources indicate that Garet and Habon have now been tabling for 37 straight days with nothing but water and political righteousness to keep them sustained. “Due to a disappointing outcome in this year’s GUSA presidential elections, we will […]

REISS – Despite hours upon hours spent studying and comprehending required course readings, sources report that Junior David Rothstein will receive another disappointing C+ this semester after his participation grade was mercilessly sucker-punched by his crippling social anxiety. “This class places a large emphasis on me hearing from you,” threatened his professor maliciously, with mocking […]