WHITE GRAVENOR 204: “Yes, officer! That’s him! That’s the sick fuck that has been holding in her poop for 25 minutes in class.” God, you make us all sick. You thought you were slick holding in your poop like that? Holding it right in your butt? Disgusting. Everyone in class saw through your twisted little […]

ARLINGTON: Sometimes a weekend of peace is all I need to cap off a difficult week working at Deloitte. A family reunion should be a fun way to wind down with the people I love, but my god damn nephew sucks. I try to avoid him at the party but my infectious magnetism seems to […]

NEW SOUTH – New freshman Hannah McDermont (COL ‘26) was in for a shock this past weekend when her mild attempt to drop one section of Problem of God and, simultaneously, add a different section of Problem of God ended in eternal damnation for the Floridian linguistics major. “I guess I just don’t know what […]

Dear Parents, We at The Heckler understand how hard it is to be away from your children for the first time so we are writing you this letter to put your mind at ease. We promise that your child is learning valuable skills in their first few months on campus. It’s probably their first time […]

This semester, GPB has officially offered a pinky promise to all students that they will host a single event that can be deemed “thoroughly enjoyable” by even a single student. The bold claim comes after general disappointed acceptance regarding the organization’s role on campus in past semesters. “We weally weally pwomise dat we will do […]

“Please Fuck the Onion Rings” When I saw this instruction on somebody’s Johnny Rockets order, I could hardly believe my eyes. Of course, I would never “fuck” an onion ring, that’s just crass. I was in such disbelief that I went to tell my neighbor, Jasper, about it and he couldn’t stop laughing! All he […]

UIS: Chaos unfolded this past Sunday evening as Georgetown officials discovered a data breach affecting every single account on the network. Recent changes to network security were supposed to help prevent these breaches but may have accidentally caused them. Notably, all accounts were made to change their passwords to five keywords only they would know […]

BREAKING: The tamed piss bag from the Lau 2 urinal has been relocated to the Reiss 2 men’s bathroom after problems were found in the original enclosure. The emergency relocation comes after 3 years of successful habitation in Lau 2 and thousands of daily visitors. Recently, however, Hunky the piss bag was exhibiting more aggressive […]

It can be so frustrating not knowing whether you are the Inanna or the Ishtar of your friend group. Doesn’t it always feel like your BFF’s know exactly which one they are? Is your BFF clearly an Inanna and you want to know if you are compatible? Are you tired of being rejected by the […]

GUSA MEETING – “Hear ye, students! Thy votes shall be tallied hence and brought forth by the arbiter!” Sophomore representative Michael Parker pushed forward his agenda today, announcing the 17th referendum on his new GUSA initiative. Aptly titled The Yorick Bill, Parker’s bill allocates additional funding to the various hiring departments at Georgetown to allow […]