Washington, D.C. – Secretary Betsy DeVos announced today that her ghostwriter will be Eric Carl, the Author of the beloved “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” series. In response to her sudden prominence after being appointed Secretary of Education, now Secretary DeVos has decided to publish a memoir written by her long-time favorite novelist. Devos reported that she […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A petition for the permanent extension of International Women’s Day has been signed by hundreds of chauvinists who wish to make every day a “Day without a Woman”. The petition signers represent a large group of men who are organizing to permanently keep women out of the public and private decision-making spheres. “Someone […]

As the weather warms up for Spring 2017, don’t walk but run to your nearest dark web portal to be the first to snap up this year’s hottest new black market kidneys! Whether for a loved one or just as a treat to yourself, we know your latex-gloved fingers have been itching to get a […]

Don’t believe everything you read on the internet! I was hoping to skip a visit to the doctor’s after noticing some strange symptoms, but WebMD’s diagnosis was laughable! After a few days of probably seasonal periodic blindness, I woke up on Wednesday profusely sweating blood. What a pain, right? Anyways, I wiped my bloody brow […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The group responsible for the frequent public animal sacrifices on the first floor of Reiss has come forward this week to distance themselves from any claims of religious affiliation. Most Hoyas have become accustomed to the wild drumbeats, shooting flames, and not entirely unpleasant lingering smell of barbeque that accompany the rituals which […]

The group of Hare Krishnas which operate off of the corner of Wisconsin Ave and M street announce goal of 75% conversion of the area’s student population by the end of the fiscal year. Their chief marketing officer told the Heckler that the group “remains extremely confident in the market potential of the Georgetown community” […]

Valentine’s Day 2017 is filled with dread for a certain long neglected Georgetown University Work Order, who faces yet another February 14th alone. The disinterest of the facilities department stings the worst during the Valentine’s season, bringing up nostalgia for the bygone days of chivalry when maintenance requests were treated with compassion and respect. We are all reminded of […]

After switching the projector on in order to show a relevant website, a Georgetown professor who wishes to remain anonymous was greeted by mass giggling at his sad, unadventurous choices in pornography. The inevitable explicit banners for popular pornographic portals on either side of the webpage showed, much to the professor’s chagrin, only the most […]

In response to recent figures showing a dramatic rise in demand for IUDs since his election, the President Elect released a statement recognizing that “it is understandably difficult for the women of this great nation to cope with the prospect of a President who possesses so many attractive qualities”. Trump affirmed that, while ‘flattered’, “[he] […]