SPRATLY ISLANDS – A new Asia Maritime Transparency Initiative report has some shocking information: Recent satellite images reveal a rad beach party is in the works on newly constructed islands in the South China Sea. Immediately, the international community had concerns. “Do you think I’ll be invited?” asked a bashful Enrique Manalo, the Philippines’ Secretary […]

NATURE – Well, I suppose we have no choice but to turn our attention yet again to the so-called great outdoors. It looks like some bullshit is happening with the Great Barrier Reef or something. This fucking reef – let me tell you – it crops up in the news each year, and acts like […]

BETHESDA – I have a harrowing – yet eye-opening – experience to share. My friends and I let our weird roommate be the group sponsor for housing this year, and, next thing I know, a local Papa John’s in Bethesda is where I’m now calling home. Yep, it sounds strange. You wouldn’t believe how fast […]

WASHINGTON, D.C.— Recent reports have shown that a perfectly benign-looking local seventh grader is actually the ruthless autocrat of a sprawling Minecraft kingdom. The ostensibly kind youth presides over a complex political machine, demanding incalculable resources from territory that belongs to his friends, at punishment of death. “This is my server, you guys,” boomed the voice […]

HEALY— A Philodemic Society debate went off the rails this past Thursday when a routine cufflink-related disagreement escalated into a large-scale brawl. Members of the club who witnessed the chaos said that the brawl damaged three hundred-year-old oil paintings, five handcrafted mahogany chairs, and a number of fragile egos. “To be sure, The Philodemic Society […]