The Catholic:

You will need:

• Willingness to commit sacrilege
• Other ingredients

First, you want to take your sacramental wafers and cut them into thin strips. Pour a bowl of these into water heated with fire and brimstone. Be careful not to let them be still, as sloth is a sin; wait until your church enters Ordinary Time and then stir with the long end of your crucifix. Do not let anything enter the water as this could add flavor- should this happen you must immediately exorcise your pasta. After 45 minutes of mass, strain it, let it dry, serve it in a chalice, eat one piece, and give the rest to your priest. Serves one lonely and/or celibate man.
Alternative “Lenten Style” pasta:

Lenten Style Catholic pasta is very simple to make: follow the above instructions while burdening yourself with undue guilt because you forswore the use of water, electricity, and your own hands for Lent.

The Guilty Leo’s:
You will need:

• Little/no resolve
• A >$2000 meal plan
• To not be an engineering or science major

Attempt to make pasta in your house/apartment/dorm/rabbit warren. Become confused by water, heat, and modern tools. Rectify the situation by using your >$2000 meal plan to go to the pasta station in Leo’s. Pick the pasta of your choice. Add the vegetables of your choice. Add the sauce of your choice. Serves a number of your choice.

Hipster pasta:
You will need:

• A smug sense of self-entitlement
• An Instagram account

You’ve probably never heard of pasta like this and wouldn’t get it anyways.

The Actual Italian Student Pasta:

You will need:

• An international student from Italy

Have your international student friend over. At some point, he will declare hunger but offer no solution. Suggest dinner. Get pasta. At this point, your international friend will complain about the quality of the pasta. Determine whether your friend is from northern/southern Italy and insult Southern/Northern Italy, accordingly. Taste is forgotten and you are now blood brothers.

His Holy Noodliness’ Appendages:
You will need:

• A pasta strainer and pirate regalia
• Image of the creator deity, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, in pasta form

Don your pasta strainer-helmet and hoist the Jolly Roger, your prayer session is about to begin. Open and reheat the pre-prepared sacred countenance of spaghetti and meatballs. Stare into the marinara until you encounter the visage of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Be touched by his noodly appendage and touch back, preferably with your tongue, throat, and GI tract. Leave church full for once.

The College-Student:
You will need:

• A first grade education

Wake up for dinner- you’ll need this energy if you want to party until breakfast tomorrow. Boil water. Add pasta. Wait until it finishes boiling and then eat it, you stupid fuck. We’ll let you figure out how to do that on your own.