Greetings, semi-valued readers and cheap-laugh enthusiasts. You all probably know that the election for GUSA president is coming up soon on some date we haven’t bothered to learn.  Now plenty of so-called “established” sources have already given their endorsements, from the current GUSA President to the cool Jesuits to the Stir Fry station workers. But we know you’re all wondering, “Hey, when is Georgetown’s only humour newspaper of record going to make its endorsement? How come you guys haven’t written anything this semester? Have you all died? To that we say, just on the inside, dear reader, just on the inside.

Now making the official Heckler endorsement was a long and arduous process of first realizing that the elections were coming up, then trying to find out who was running, then giving up after five minutes. So we don’t actually know who’s running. But it’s not like they’re competing for something of value. We all know that student life here, in accordance with Georgetown tradition, has always been governed by a smattering of university administrators, Vatican Pontiffs, and the District of Columbia Zoning Board. But that doesn’t mean that whoever wins wouldn’t be an attractive mouthpiece for The Heckler’s zealous fringe ideology (Independence for Idaho!)

So that’s why we at The Heckler are announcing we will be auctioning off our endorsement to the highest bidder. In exchange for a negotiated sum the puppet, I mean, winner, will receive the endorsement of The Georgetown Heckler and all the prestige that comes with it. Throughout Georgetown history our support has often proved the crucial difference between a pathetic defeat and a soulless victory.  You all, of course, remember the GUSA election of 1942 where our endorsement pushed candidate Pete O’Brien over the edge despite the unearthing of his freshman IR paper entitled “Who Really Wants a Free Poland, Anyway?”

Most importantly the lucky candidate will also receive an exciting platform of issues that they will be contractually obligated to support! He or she (again it would be helpful to know who’s actually running) must publicly and enthusiastically vouch for several Heckler-backed initiatives including adding a cigar lounge to the new science center, replacing our mascot Jack the Bulldog with Jacques the Recalcitrant French Poodle and changing our motto from “For the Greater Glory of God” to “Georgetown University: Come for the Longstanding Jesuit Heritage, Stay For the Chicken Fingers.” These issues, along with your pre-supplied xenophobic campaign slogan, Georgetown for Georgetowners,  will guarantee your victory and ascension to the worthless office you so desperately crave.

So to whoever gets our endorsement, you’re welcome! And to whoever doesn’t and ends up at the receiving end of our political operative skills, we don’t know how we acquired your disgusting Internet search history but no one else has to see it so long as you play ball.