Georgetown’s regularly scheduled midterm-induced panic is in full swing, and nobody is feeling the burn more than the soon-graduating seniors, for whom this is the last go-round. While the average college student is faced with relatively easy questions come midterms season (e.g., what are my classes again?), the second-semester senior is its own brand of student and faces its own set of questions: Am I ready to go into the working world? Where can I find a job? Do I need to finally sober up?

According to a well-respected polling firm commissioned by The Heckler, as much as 99 percent percent of the current senior class remains unprepared for a time when their BAC will drop below .08 percent.

“I don’t even know what I’ll do when I (hic!) have to (hic!) get through a job interview without (hic!) vomiting,” senior Ari Liebermann said. We attempted to continue speaking with Mr. Liebermann, but at this point he began chugging straight Burnett’s.

Liebermann punctuated his remarks by vomiting.

Fortunately, the university is not indifferent to the suffering of its senior class. After this past Easter weekend, which saw hordes of seniors reach BAC levels as dangerously low as .15 percent, the administration has unanimously approved the distribution of alcoholic IV drips meant to lower BAC over a safe span of time, such as a month. With luck, our graduating seniors will be able to sober up and enter the workforce ready to abuse hard drugs like proper adults.

At press time, much of the senior class was shotgunning their IV drip.