MSB junior Igo N. Flator was sworn in Monday to the new GUSA cabinet under President Nate Tisa and Vice President Adam Ramadan in a new role, that of professional ego-stroker.
“Sometimes, when you’re feeling blue, you need somebody to remind you that you’re the second-ever openly gay student body president of a Jesuit university,” Tisa said. “Sometimes you just need somebody to remind you that you hold tremendous power over the academic and extracurricular lives of the entire undergraduate body. And when those times come, Igo is my man.”
Ramadan agreed. “Sometimes when you’re ringing up an order for beef jerky at Hoya Snaxa, you can forget that you can effectively ruin the campus life of anybody around you at will. Igo helps remind of that pretty constantly,” he said.
Flator himself says he is happy to serve in the GUSA cabinet and glad his talents could be brought to the prodigious student government organization.
“I’m just pleased that I could remind them that they are, in fact, the most important people in any given room,” Flator said. “It’s important that they know how much better they are than the rest of the student body.”
“When I realized I needed somebody who could value people objectively as better or worse then others, I immediately began looking for an MSBer and stumbled upon Igo,” Tisa said when asked about the new demand for an ego inflator. “We couldn’t be happier, which is proof that the position is working. Now get me a latte, you NHSer.*”
As Flator is an MSB student, he rather obviously did not accept the position for free. Igo is currently the only paid GUSA member, accepting a nominal consulting fee of 10 percent of the Student Activities Fund. An additional $1,000 will be also gleaned from student tuitions to fund top-of-the-line headsets so that the newly appointed ego-stroker can whisper directly into the ear of the administration at all times.
In unrelated news, the GUSA Senate recently voted unanimously to approve the appointment of 27 more ego-strokers using the remainder of the Student Activities Fund. GUSA released a statement accompanying the new legislation.
“Quite frequently, we need to be reminded how good a job we’re doing. Which is, apparently, very well. We’ll need to run that by our ego-strokers,” the statement read.
The statement ended by complimenting Flator’s impressive stature: “We’re all very proud of our large Igo.”
*The Heckler has reprinted this insult for the sake of journalistic integrity but would like to clarify that no Heckler writers are in the NHS because we enjoy human contact.