Following a recent policy change barring students from owning cars on or near campus except in special circumstances, the ANC voted today to just simplify the process and erect a wall between 35th and 36th streets, ensuring that students not spillover their “noisy, beer-sodden lifestyles” into the upper class neighborhood. The policy was made without any student input and announced via email by Vice President of Student Affairs, Todd Olson. Stating in part: “when you return to campus, please leave your personal freedoms at home”, the policy is a continuation of the compromises recently reached with Burleith through negotiations in the ANC.
“We made major headway when we banned cars” said Olson of the policy’s beginning. “It was only then that I realized that we could just unilaterally make a decision about thousands of students without bothering to ask them how they felt about it. I also hadn’t known that I could tell students what they could do with their own private property and forbid them from using public resources like city streets. Once I figured those things out, this was the next logical step.”
The policy has not fared well popularly on campus, with political leaders crossing party lines to call for the cancellation of the project. Standing in front of the wall’s initial construction, College Democrats President Trevor Tezel both pledged his opposition and practiced his German by saying “Ich bin ein Burleither.” College Republicans President Alex Cave, standing next to Tezel, echoed his counterpart’s statement by demanding “Dr. Olson, tear down this wall!”
The wall will be 12 feet high and be made of concrete, with guard posts at intervals along the wall. Students who attempt to climb the wall will be shot and then told to die elsewhere before they lower property values.
The change was not without its supporters, as former Ward 2 Councilman and DC Mayoral Candidate Jack Evans weighed in on the move, saying “It’s a great day in Burleith when you can walk outside without the fear of having to acknowledge the existence of young people. This is one step closer to the day when we can finally ban students altogether. Vote Evans!”
Students already living off campus will be effectively segregated from the rest of campus by the wall, creating what will be called East Georgetown. GUSA has been a particularly outspoken opponent of this policy, as affirmed in a statement from GUSA President Nate Tisa. Tisa declared that cutting off access to houses past 36th street would deprive those students of “needed supplies” and called for airdrops of Chicken Madnesses.
The University will be allowed to expand GUTS Bus routes to go around the wall to the other side, under the condition that no students on board look at or near Burleith, “lest they give some impression that they are people with rights.”
University students will still be allowed to tutor Burleith children, although Burleith residents are no longer required to pay them.
For any students who have questions about the wall, the University will be holding an information session led by Dr. Olson, who will of course be wearing his “Property of Burleith” T-shirt with the arrow pointing at himself.