Greetings, sexy readers, it’s me, the editor of The Georgetown Heckler, and I am thrilled to announce that our website has recovered from its crash. I’m sure you noticed that we crashed, because…well…of course you did.
Following some minor emotional breakdowns and bourbon-fuelled crying episodes we are once again fully operational and ready to disperse our white-hot satire on the Georgetown community. Of course, since it’s summer, we’ll leave all that writing and thinking to the side as we’re too busy with our fulfilling internships at various nonprofits that specialize in community and sharing and, just kidding, we’re all at investment banks (Hoya Saxa!) So we’ll leave the guffaws and eyebrow-raising hilarity for the fall. Now is instead the time for glorious retribution against the cowards who thought to rob the Internet of our wit.
Surely this crime must be the work of a team of sophisticated hackers. The global force for anarchy and guarantor of the Guy-Fawks-Mask Industry, Anonymous, was our first guess, given our longstanding opposition to Internet freedom and for our ratting out the founder of Pirate Bay to Interpol. And frankly, that guy had it coming. If white Norwegians were supposed to wear dreadlocks then Bob Marley would have had an oddly placed “j” in his name.
But if those basement morlocks are not responsible then we have to look towards actual countries. There’s nothing we’ve done to harm or offend proficient hacker nations like Iran and North Korea but if Luxemburg has an advanced cyber warfare division, we’re fucked.
If nation-states were not responsible for crashing the Heckler then blame must be directed towards our journalistic rivals, namely the goody-two-shoes, Georgetown Hoya and holier-than-thou hipsters, the Georgetown Voice. Both have done more harm to Hoyas than the contraception ban and new science center combined. They’re so obsessed with covering “news” and “issues relevant to the Georgetown community” that they miss the real stories. From time immemorial they refuse to investigate really pressing matters, like is there a secret tunnel to the Vatican under the Jesuit Residence and is Joseph Lauinger buried in Gelardin?
Both these publications are clearly threatened by the Heckler’s meteoric rise and sought to disrupt our ascendance by any means available. They almost achieved it before we realized that somehow they changed the website so that we weren’t paying our web domain fee. For shame. Until we get a public apology from both editors of the Hoya and Voice we will have to wage a raucous campaign for the truth, or at least a convincing excuse.
