In a bid to respond to Georgetown’s lack of future student housing and to rekindle America’s long-dormant fascination with space exploration, University administrators have proposed a $500 billion satellite satellite campus, which will rotate in a geosynchronous orbit just beyond Earth’s thermosphere.
When pressed on the practicality of such an expensive endeavor, Vice President for Student Housing, Pavos Andropolous admitted, “It’s ambitious, I know. No other university has ever attempted to place 300 of its own students in outer space. But I think we’ll have plenty of demand because who wouldn’t want to have part of their college experience living in zero gravity? Plus they’ll have the latest in dorm amenities, as soon as we figure out how they’ll have oxygen. But we do have the WiFi all figured out.”
Another potential concern was the excessive travelling to get from their classes in Georgetown to the orbiting satellite campus. Vice President for Student Affairs, Todd Olsen, explained the logistics: “It’s all very easy. First it’s just a 3 ½ hour GUTS bus to the Mid-Atlantic Spaceport in Accomack, Virginia. Then your $50,000 check to get to the satellite campus has to clear, because we’ll already be hundreds of billions of dollars in the hole just from building the damn thing. After that, it’s just a quick GUTS Shuttle ride to the Satellite, approximately 1,200 miles well into Earth’s atmosphere.” Olsen then added, “And if you pick up the GUTS bus outside Car Barn it even saves you, like, 10 minutes.”
When asked whether they’ve figured out how to actually get students down from the satellite satellite campus for classes, Olsen told the reporter to, “Cool it with the questions hombre; we only came up with this over the weekend.”
Finally, President DeGioia arrived to the presentation to make an impassioned case for the plan: “This is the future of Georgetown. No longer will we feel outclassed by other universities building satellite campuses in Shanghai or Paris. Now we’ll have the real satellite campus! Harvard Business School may be building some fancy new classroom in Mumbai but soon 300 lucky Hoyas will stare down at them from miles above and point and laugh at their puny insignificance…At least they would be if the campus wasn’t in a fixed position in Earth’s atmosphere.”
In the crescendo to his speech, President DeGioia leaped onto a table and shouted, “Hoyas! This is your destiny! By being the first college students to enter low-earth orbit you’ll be telling all those who doubt our resolve, that no challenge is too great and no endowment check is too large! You’ll be the poster children for Georgetown, boldly going where no overachievers with lack of foresight have gone before! You think they get to do this at NYU?! Hell no! NYU can suck it, for all I care!” DeGioia then stepped off the table, composed himself, and walked out.
