Georgetown students rejoiced this week following an announcement from Wisemiller’s Grocery & Deli that the store will now be offering free delivery by means of drones. Long a favorite of Georgetown students, “Wisey’s”—as the deli is affectionately called—is famous for its popular sandwiches, including the Burger Madness, the Chicken Madness, and the Hot Chick. Yet in all its long history of feeding hungry Hoyas, this is the first time Wisemiller’s has made delivery available to students.
“The unveiling of Amazon’s delivery drone program earlier this month opened a new chapter in the way businesses provide goods to their customers,” Frederick Arnold Augustus Wisemiller, III, owner and CEO of Wisemiller’s Grocery & Deli, said in a press conference. “It pleases me to announce that Wisemiller’s will be at the forefront of this trend. Our new hanger of unmanned aerial vehicles will allow us to deliver food to our customers in the speediest, most efficient manner possible.”
Developed in conjunction with General Atomics Aeronautical Systems, the US Department of Defense, and the CIA, Wisemiller’s fleet of drones are based on the Predator model used by the US military and represent the most advanced technology available. “Each one of our delivery drones has a maximum ordnance payload of four Burger Madnesses plus chips and drinks,” Wisemiller elaborates, “so don’t be afraid to place a large order! On top of that, the drones have a range of ten miles, making delivery possible to even the most remote of locations, like Darnall Hall.” Due to the lack of landing strips in the Georgetown area, delivering food without being able to land the drone posed a serious problem. Wisemiller engineers have overcome this obstacle by delivering every sandwich on the head of a Hellfire air-to-ground missile. “But we like to think of it as an ‘air-to-taste bud’ missile!” Wisemiller adds.
Having served the Georgetown community for decades, Wisemiller’s has become well-attuned to student needs. “We realize that you students are busy people,” Wisemiller stated in the press conference. “You’re constantly running between classes, practices, and internships; you don’t have time to sit in your dorm and wait for that Chicken Madness to be delivered. That’s why Wisemiller’s is also operating a fleet of surveillance drones. Now we can find you even when you’re on the go! Our surveillance drones are equipped with thermal imaging cameras, synthetic aperture radar, and gated imaging technology. Never worry about your food not finding you—no matter where you go, we’ll always be watching!”
The reaction from the university community has been overwhelmingly positive, with Wisemiller’s seeing a 15% increase in sales in the first two days of the drone program. In response to several student requests, the deli will be adding its popular, homemade Oreo cookies to the delivery service as soon as their cookie warhead can be adapted to fit the missiles. Wisemiller’s executives have also entered into negotiations with the university to discuss the possibility of delivering beer via drone. Despite administrators’ initial fears that the near-constant air traffic over Village A certain to result from such a service would interfere with medevac flight paths to the Georgetown University Hospital, both parties are hopeful the FAA will reroute all medevac flights over Heyden Observatory. Even the Georgetown Center for Social Justice has applauded Wisemiller’s remote-piloted delivery system, controlled entirely from an air conditioned bunker, as “providing a better alternative for Hispanic delivery men than the industry standard.”
For all this success, however, a minority of students remain skeptical of the drones. An editorial in The Hoya criticized Wisemiller’s drone program for causing collateral damage when several students were hospitalized after sustaining injuries in a sandwich missile strike. Others claim to have derived a profound sense of insecurity from the existence of the drone program. Georgetown College junior Chris Nugent told The Heckler, “These drones are some scary shit, man. I ordered a Hot Chick the other day, but the delivery drone wasn’t happy with the $2 tip I gave it, so it fired some more of those missiles at me until I shelled out another $10. I think they’re becoming sentient!”
Wisemiller’s drone program has also encountered opposition from many residents of the greater Georgetown area. Citing the “grating and vexatious” sound of drones overhead as a public nuisance, members of the Burleith neighborhood committee have declared the airspace between Reservoir Road and T Street as an Aerial Defense Identification Zone. All aircraft entering this airspace must openly declare their flight path to the neighborhood committee for approval. Testing the resolve of the Burleith residents, Wisemiller’s flew a drone into the ADIZ without permission. The aircraft was promptly shot down and Wisemiller’s has not been allowed to recover the wreckage. Other local restaurants, including Wingo’s, Five Guys, and Qdoba, all of which lag sorely behind Wisemiller’s in drone technology, have already made bids to Burleith to acquire the downed drone.
In the face of these challenges, Wisemiller remains positive: “Let them think what they want. But ten years from now when all your food is delivered by drone, people will look back and say, ‘The future began at Wisey’s!’”