For the 125th consecutive day, Pierce Reading Room has played host to Club Lau, the annual inaugural party in Lauinger Library.
Attendance has waxed and waned throughout Club Lau’s 2013-2014 existence, but a core group of bros, awkward freshmen and administrative officials have kept the party going.
“This is the kind of rager Georgetown students deserve,” University President John J. DeGioia said from the DJ’s table. “This is the right fuckin’ way to kick off the 2013 school year. Shotgunnnnn!”
Students pointed to a wide variety of reasons for Club Lau’s continued popularity.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead,” Brian Huertz (COL ’15) said. “Which has actually happened a couple times. My heart stopped on two separate occasions due to dehydration or being too epic or something.”
“Classes? More like c-lame-es,” Darrel Rakes (SFS ’16) said before collapsing into a puddle of vomit.
Insiders estimate that everyone on the dance floor had made out with each other by the rager’s 50th day.
“Hell yeah,” Michael Quardt (NHS ’14) said.
“This is a fucking epic throwdown,” Dr. Jonathan Mierschmiller, a researcher at the Broski Institute of Partying on Club Lau, said. “We haven’t seen anything like this before. Normally after multiple fatalities from alcohol poisoning and extensive property damage, most parties would quit. Not these guys. Call your boys. They are throwing down right now in Lau.”
Still, educators stressed the other opportunities on campus available for students to attend.
“It’s fine if you can’t be here or had to go to class or whatever,” College Dean Chester Gillis said in between shots. “This is a no-pussy-shit zone anyway.”
Sources reported that the ongoing party was also courting serious blowback from library-goers. A number of exasperated sighs could be heard be throughout Lau 4 as the bass rattled the bookshelves through the floor.
“I mean … it’s not a big deal. Whatever,” Rachel McManier (NHS ’15) said before a loud sigh.
This passive-aggressive response, however, was lost on Club Lau attendees’ permanently damaged frontal cortices.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?” John Q. Pierce yelled across Pierce Reading Room’s alcohol soaked floor. He could not be reached for further comment.
