Following a recent email from Housing, The Heckler has compiled the recently released data on how the university grants housing points to students.
Base points
3 points: Rising sophomores seeking to live on campus.

4 points: Rising juniors seeking to live on campus.

4.5 points: Rising juniors seeking to live on campus who REEEEALLY want it.

4 points: Freshmen standing on another freshman’s shoulders and wearing a trench coat to disguise as a junior.

1 point: Kevin. He knows what he did.
2 points: Seniors who can’t bring themselves to enter the workforce.

10,000 points: President DeGioia during his mid-life crisis when he wanted to be a freshman again.

0 points: GW students who get sent a housing letter “by accident” because it’s funny.

Bonus points

+1 point: Stop by housing. Look over in the corner. Isn’t Deborah charming? She’s been going through a rough time lately and isn’t with anybody. Why don’t you ask her out for dinner? Steer things to your bedroom. As she screams out in ecstasy, be sure to mention that you need a bump in housing. Deborah will give you a point.
For our female readers, try Brad.
+2 points: $500 in unmarked, non-sequential bills in a plain white envelope with your netID on the inside. Walk past the office and slip it under the door without stopping or looking around. Make sure no one followed you. You were never here.

+3 points: Beg. That’s right, just like that. Bark for me. Bark for me!

+5 points: Donate $100,000,000 and have a new school named after you

Negative points
-1 point: Have a sexual relationship with a professor. (Priests are OK.)
-2 points: Bare-knuckle boxing in the New South elevator, as fun as it is, will be sure to lose you points.

-3 points: Live with Kevin. Really? Kevin? You couldn’t do better?