NEW SOUTH – At a press conference on Monday, Freshman Mariah Fried (NHS ʼ17) announced plans for the immediate cessation of pleasantries with fellow Freshman Eric Studecar (COL ʼ17).

Fried and Studecar, whose sole interaction took place in the form of a ten minute conversation on the weekend of September 28th 2013 at a Prospect townhouse, have been somewhat painfully obligated to acknowledge each other for the past four months.

“Our current withdrawal strategy will be a balance between either pretending to text or just pretend to not see him at all,” said Fried amid a flurry of reportersʼs questions. Fried announced that tomorrow, during the most consistent awkward salutation between the two following the end of their 11 am classes in Car Barn, she will begin withdrawing.

Detractors of the policy change argued that Fried could achieve social normalcy or even friendship with a further escalation. “We cannot allow Fried to withdrawal yet. Any further withdrawal is a sign of surrender. It is clear she is throwing in the towel too early,” said close friend Kelsey Fertig (NHS ʼ17). “This will create a domino effect of defections by acquaintances like Jeremy, who sheʼd like to hook up with may if heʼd only text her first once in a whole. Our losses cannot be in vain. Stay the course.”

Friend maintained at the conference that she is not simply “cutting and running” in this situation. “The time has come to end this nonsense. Enough is enough,” said Fried.

Studecar announced in his own hastily assembled press conference his disappointment with the decision, saying “it cuts me deeply… oh, crap… what was her name again?”