Noticing that both the Hoya and the Voice sat down with Georgetown University President John DeGioia for no specific reason, I did the same. Wanting to ensure the Georgetown Heckler’s spot among the finest publications on the hilltop, DeGioia spoke to me about a wide variety of topics.

Heckler: President DeGioia, it’s an honor and privilege. Thank you so much for sitting down with us. How are you?

DeGioia: Good.
Heckler: *Fumbles Notecards* So… what’s up?

DeGioia: You know Georgetown is really a remarkable institution with a global identity that still speaks volumes about its Jesuit identity and holistic admissions process.

Heckler: Yeah. Did you hear about the pope being a Jesuit? That’s crazy. I always thought the pope was supposed to be Catholic.

DeGioia: Well, the Jesuits are like a sect of Catholicism.
Heckler: Whoa, easy tiger, no need to throw around the “sex” word.
DeGioia: I said “sect.”
Heckler: Alright well we’re going to have to do some serious bleeping on that one. DeGioia: What I’m trying to say is that the Jesuits are part of Catholicism. Heckler: Great. How are Maggie and the kids?
DeGioia: Who?

Heckler: *laughs* Whoops, I’m looking at Peter Sarsgaard’s wikipedia page. Sorry, pres. Anyway next question: you know, Georgetown is great and all, but have you ever thought about maybe making it, I don’t know, better? Just a thought.

DeGioia: What am I supposed to say to that?
Heckler: Hey! I’m asking the questions here. You can’t give me that kind of attitude.

DeGioia: What do you mean? I’m the president of this University. You just broke into my office and demanded an interview.

Heckler: Oh, I can. Don’t think I don’t know your secret. I did a little… digging. DeGioia: I have no idea where you’re going with this.

Heckler: Last night, I took a little stroll behind the ICC. That’s the Intercultural Center. Sound familiar? Well, following a little tip I got, I did a little digging and I found over 80 bodies.

DeGioia: You dug up the Jesuit cemetery?

Heckler: You gave it a name? Oh you’re a sick man, DeGioia

DeGioia: It’s a campus landmark!

Heckler: Which you defiled by placing bodies in! You know something? They were perfectly aligned in woodboxes. It was psychotic looking.

… Boys! ‘cuff ‘em!
DeGioia: Were people supposed to come in and handcuff me?