Tuesday federal authorities were notified that an illicit substance was found in a Georgetown Residence Hall.  This reporter had the chance to interview Terry York, a sophomore who claims to have been evacuated from the floor where this substance was found.  This is my exclusive interview:

HECKLER:  Do you live in this building?

TERRY:  Yeah, man, I live on the [number redacted for legal reasons] floor.

HECKLER:  Can you tell us anything about what’s going on?

TERRY:  Yeah, man! Some fed said they found rice and something else?

HECKLER:  What else?

TERRY:  I don’t know, man. Every time someone was about to say it, they would cut ‘em off. They kept saying “Rice and, rice and.”  I have to say, all this “rice and” stuff is literally killing me.

HECKLER:  Figuratively, I’m sure –

At this point, our interview was cut short when a federal officer, overhearing our exclusive interview, rushed Terry into a van that quickly sped off campus.

The mystery substance remains to be revealed by the authorities.  There is also no word yet on how rice is involved with the situation.   One must ask: did it have anything to do with one of Salad Creations’ signature rice bowls at a staggeringly low price of $7.99? Because it is suspicious that a salad costs fewer than 10 dollars!  In this country?!

Other theories have been circulating around campus: maybe rice is now a schedule one drug that students like ourselves could get super high from, maybe the Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice was found signing autographs for federal officials in the dorm, maybe they meant ricin not “rice and.”  What we do know is that there is no shortage of crazy, outlandish theories like these at Georgetown.

The Heckler will keep you updated on this developing story.