Blue Sub-Ivy
Writer
Jesus Comes Again, Becomes Collateral Damage in Drone Strike
By Blue Sub-Ivy | January 18, 2016
BETHLEHEM – Over 2000 years after God sent him to save us, the second coming of Jesus Christ – Son of God – was killed Tuesday in a targeted U.S. drone strike 8km outside the City of Jerusalem. “Our intel was that 3 or so monarchs from the East were traveling together and were to […]
Third Wheel Wonders If He Should Bring a Condom Too
By Blue Sub-Ivy | December 7, 2015
VILLAGE B—After seeing his friend grab a Trojan condom before leaving to meet his girlfriend, third wheel Kevin Lannigan (Col ’17) began to wonder if he too should bring a condom. “My buddy told me tonight was going to be crazy. Not 100% sure what that means, but hey. Simons says bring a condom, I bring […]
Popular Student Misses First Two Weeks of Classes Hugging People She Hasn’t Seen Since Last Semester
By Blue Sub-Ivy | January 22, 2015
SOUTHWEST QUAD – After being physically separated from her friends during the winter break, Katy McGillis (COL ’16) has reportedly missed the first two weeks of classes due to hugging friends she had not seen since the previous semester. “Oh my God! How are you? I missed you so much,” screamed McGillis as she saw […]
Following Cosmos Marathon, Pope Francis Announces Plan to Replace St. Peter’s Basilica with Planetarium
By Blue Sub-Ivy | January 3, 2015
VATICAN CITY – Following a three day back-to-back marathon of Neil deGrasse Tyson’s documentary television program Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey, Pope Francis announced to reporters Wednesday his intention to demolish the historic St. Peter’s Basilica to make room for a new planetarium. Known for his attempts at modernizing the Catholic Church, Pope Francis explained […]
Freshman Relieved to Find Roommate Writhing Under Sheets Not Seizing, Just Maturbating
By Blue Sub-Ivy | November 4, 2014
NEW SOUTH – Stating that he considers himself a hero regardless of the actual circumstance, freshman Danny Waters (COL ‘18) recently leapt into action to save his seizing roommate, Bill Canton (SFS ‘18), only to discover that Canton was “just jackin’ it, get the fuck off me, I’m not having a seizure, just get the […]
New Entrance to Lau Opens on Fourth Floor, Four People Critically Injured in Fall
By Blue Sub-Ivy | October 5, 2014
LAUINGER LIBRARY – The famous Joseph Mark Lauinger Memorial Library has been a forced institution on Georgetown’s campus since 1967. Known for its grey exterior and Nixon-era interior, “Lau” has continued to impress upon the young minds of first years and visitors if they managed to slip past the security guards, a new entrance has […]
Breaking: Rice and an Unknown Substance Found in McCarthy Hall
By Blue Sub-Ivy | March 29, 2014
Tuesday federal authorities were notified that an illicit substance was found in a Georgetown Residence Hall. This reporter had the chance to interview Terry York, a sophomore who claims to have been evacuated from the floor where this substance was found. This is my exclusive interview: HECKLER: Do you live in this building? TERRY: Yeah, […]