Anthropologists have deemed this moment “the enlightenment” when a roommate is “enlightened” to the fact that his or her roommate is a complete liar online.
WHITE-GRAVENOR — According to a recent poll conducted by the Georgetown Heckler, for the fourth straight year in a row, the word “Chill” was the most used word by freshmen on Campus Housing and Roommate Matching Systems (CHARMS) profiles.
With 792 usages, “chill” easily beat out its tops competitors of “average,” 254 usages, “normal,” 231 usages, and “non-crazy,” 199 usages.
Chill replaced “swag” as the most commonly-used word in 2010 and has remained seemingly invincible since then.
“I wanted to find a word which described myself as regular guy and, yet, at the same time sounded cool,” said freshman Mark Feron (MSB ’18), echoing the sentiment of hundreds of other freshmen. “To me, ‘chill’ walked that fine line.”
Further analysis revealed that not all usages of “chill” were entirely accurate.
Twenty-seven percent of freshmen who used the word reported that the word was “very accurate/accurate.” Thirty-one percent reported that their choice in wording was “somewhat accurate.” The remaining 42% of freshman replied “hell no, I’m a bat shit crazy motherfucker.”
Most crazy individuals reported that they believed pretending to be normal or “chill” would “considerably aid” their CHARMS search.
“Yeah I said I was ‘chill’ but I’m just waiting for the right opportunity this week to reveal to [my roommate] Derrick how out of touch I am with the meaning of that word,” said freshman Harrison Gailor (SFS ’18).
“Maybe I’ll leave him passive aggressive notes about his laundry or be caught several times snooping through his drawers.”
This overall trend of feigned normalcy seemed to extend beyond the popularity of “chill.”
While 77% of CHARMS profiles said they were “completely” comfortable sharing care packages and other items in dorm roommates, a majority of these respondents said that was “horseshit.”
“I swear to God if I find [my roommate] Mariah touching my care packages it will be the last thing she touches,” said Kerry Rollins (COL ’18), who rated herself as “very welcoming towards on variety of personalities” on CHARMS.
Experts described the Heckler’s findings as a “classic example” of the “Online Profile Bullshit Hypothesis.”
“We developed this system so it would give everyone a fair shot to present themselves as ‘chill'” said Georgetown’s Chief of Online Development Sidney Fairfield. “With the click of a few buttons you can instantly change your identity and seem perfect to room with anyone.”
On the opposite end of the spectrum the Heckler’s study found that the least-used words for the class of 2018 included “incubation,” “involuntary manslaughter,” and “fire retardant,” all of which had under five usages.
The Heckler also found that most people also started their profile description with a “hey what’s up?” or “hey how’s it going?” despite the fact it was not a conversation.
Text of the median CHARMS profile reads:
“hey guys what’s up? How’s it going? My name is Dan. I’m gonna be a freshman in the college. I’m either tryna be a doctor or a senator. Or web developer. I’m from right outside philly in south jersey.
Die hard phillies and flyers fan. So pumped for gtown !! haha.
Hit me up if you wanna roommates. I’m really chill.”
