An unconfirmed photograph of the orientation circle where Fletcher (COL ’18) first noticed his factoid shortage.
NEW SOUTH — Speaking to reporters assembled around his New South desk, freshman Garret Fletcher (COL ’18) told reporters on Tuesday that he is “straight up” out of fun facts after four days of New Student Orientation (NSO).
Even according to his most liberal simulations before arriving at Georgetown, Fletcher believed that he would be able to survive the first month with ample fun facts in reserve.
Showcasing his once proud arsenal of surprising personal tidbits, Fletcher rattled them off to reporters: “my dog and I have the same birthday, I have laid in that spot in the southwest where you can touch four states at once, and rock icon Eddie Vedder is from my home town.”
Fletcher’s NSO orientation advisor, Hannah Miller (COL ’16), acknowledged the group’s role, but was unapologetic.
“It’s our standard policy to just get it all out on the table right away!” said Miller before asking me if I wanted to play a “quick” game of ninja.
“It was just one after the other,” Fletcher said pensively looking out his window on to the construction of the New South Student Center. “We lost a lot of good facts out there.”
“There isn’t a single unsaid amusing factoid about me left that I can wow strangers with.”
Miller pontificated to reporters about the alleged social backlash he would soon face from his peers for having nothing interesting unsaid.
“If the fact he and his dog have the same birthday is the best fun fact he has – forget it,” said the sole cute girl in Fletcher’s orientation group, Micah Bigsby (SFS ’18).
With much pressure to perform during NSO and so few interesting things left to say, Fletcher vented about his position during his hour long press conference in which he speculated that all his peers were “probably turning up and sharing fun facts” down the hall.
“It’s just not fair,” said Flecther. “Take that foreign girl -Irribtiara or whatever her name is. How can I compete with the fun fact ‘my dad has a monopoly on mining rights on Ecuador’? I can’t. I simply can’t.”
Fletcher’s parents offered their condolences to everyone in their son’s NSO group.
“Get it together, son. We didn’t raise you to be this much of a wet blanket during NSO,” said his mother Rita Holley-Fletcher.
With five hours of NSO remaining, and over 99% of his freshman year left, many people, including Fletcher’s OA, said his crippling fun fact absence was “a sad showing” unlikely to bring him friends or happiness.
