WASHINGTON — In a damning blow to rising seniorʼs hopes that they can exercise some control over their date of graduation, the surgeon general released a report stating that “diet and exercise are almost entirely uncorrelated in postponing the inevitability of graduation.

The two page document, released Monday to senior audiences eager to learn how they can avoid graduation, was met with reactions ranging from sadness to utter despair. Staff at Yates reported an exodus of people working out at the gym at the news of the report.

“Ultimately, this report concludes there is very little action an individual can take in order to postpone their graduation and passing into reality,” the report concludes. “The most optimistic takeaway is that typically the students in business school tend to graduate some six hours later than students in the college.”

“Well, not much left to do now,” said senior Mark Masses (COL ʼ15). “I guess now Iʼll just try and fail all my classes.”