POTOMAC, MD — In a swift turn of events Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Hama’s Khaled Meshaal agreed to an immediate cessation of hostilities and tentatively agreed in principle to a lasting two state solution between Israel and Palestine in large part to a social media post made by sophomore Anita Howard (SFS ’17).
“Enough is enough! It’s time for peace” Howard wrote on Facebook at 7:30 pm on Wednesday night and linked the post to a Washington Post slideshow of the latest Middle East carnage.
Approximately seventeen minutes and two likes after the post went online, residents of Gaza and southern Israel noted an unusual silence in the area.
“I’d call it a deafening silence,” said Gaza City resident Namir Al-Baki, noting the lack of “explosions, people dying and shit just hitting the fan in general” which has been commonplace in the area for about two millennia.
During this quarter of an hour time frame after Howard’s posting, Israeli and Palestinian negotiators met in an emergency session to review the Washington Post slide show and write apology notes from Hallmark to each other.
Negotiations between the two entities then quickly succeeded in securing an indefinite ceasefire, recognition of Israel by Hamas, the end of the Israeli blockade, ample humanitarian assistance, technology sharing agreements and regular play dates.
“I just had no idea what was going on down there,” said Israeli Secretary of Defense Moshe Ya’alon. “When I got to the [Washington Post slideshow] pictures where it says ‘graphic content’ I just got sick to my stomach. The violence needed to end.”
“I just had no idea how bad the conflict was here,” said Gaza City resident Ahmed Mulki while sitting on the rubble of his former home.
Following Ya’alon’s sentiment, Hamas authorities immediately transformed all of its remaining military tunnels into schools and hospitals for the public.
Calling it “the Facebook post heard round the world,” Howard’s post was rushed to foreign dignitaries across the globe for immediate analysis and review.
US Secratary of State John Kerry praised the Maryland teenager’s “extraordinary courage” for ending the 2,000 year-old conflict in 31 characters.
“I think we owe a big debt to Anita Howard,” said United Nations Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon after his months long mediation between the two sides failed to gain any traction.
Howard, who once opened the wikipedia page on the 1948 creation of the Israeli state, is expected to visit the region early next week to sit down with officials from both parties.
Industry insiders are now speculating that Howard is the new front runner for this year’s Noble Peace Prize, placing her slightly ahead of Malala Yousafzai, a Pakistani education activist who survived a Taliban assassination attempt two years ago.
“Frankly, Howard’s deft use an exclamation point and ability to hyperlink is going to resonate more soundly with the committee than efforts to overturn thousands of years of suppression of women’s education,” said former Noble Prize committee member Jacque Laurent.
