The Georgetown Heckler

Opinion | August 29, 2014

Ask a Freshman Attending His First College Party

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Dear Freshman Attending His First College Party,

I’m a first year here at Georgetown and I really haven’t gotten to go out that much on the weekends since I’ve been here. When I have gone out though, there doesn’t seem to be that much happening and I have trouble getting into any place since I don’t know any upperclassman. Can you tell me what the party scene is really like here at Georgetown?

I totally snuck into this party. I think this is one of those Corp parties. Well I heard guys by the door talking about DC Reads so maybe it’s a DC Reads party. Like a joint Corp-DC Reads party. Yeah. Epic rager ya know? Me and my boys are gonna throw down tonight. We’ve been tight since day one and that was more than a week ago. Now’s our moment to be the big men on campus.

 

Dear Freshman Attending His First College Party,

I came into college without much experience drinking or doing drugs and I really don’t plan on pursuing either of those things during my time here. Is this kind of behavior acceptable at Georgetown? Is it commonplace?

Alright me and Eric got next game! Next game! Oh, okay sorry I didn’t know we were already playing. God I love beer pong. Played all the time in high school. They used to call me “the legend” cause I was good. Hey why’s there water in that one cup? I only want beer in my cups! Haha college. Alright Eric you go first. Swiiiiiiiiish! Yeah, baby! What do you mean elbows? I’m not going to shoot with my elbows. Oh. Okay. My bad. Why did you just call fire? Is something wrong? Should I get my RA? Oh, wait the game is over. Let’s play slap cup next. I used to play all the time in high school. They used to call me “the legend” cause I was good.

 

Dear Freshman Attending His First College Party,

If I’m having problems with my roommate is there anyway to resolve it without bringing in my RA? Every time I try to talk to her about something she just blows me off and ignores what I’m saying. At the same time I don’t want to be that girl who goes to their RA for every little thing! It’s quite a conundrum.

See that chick over there? Yeah, in the yellow top. She’s been eyeing me all night. She and her cute friend. This is a total menage a trios waiting to happen. God, this is so classic. I’ve seen this a million times in movies. Hold my beer Eric. I’m gonna go talk to them. Wait, no gimme my beer back and be my wingman. Just say something stupid and I’ll be charming… oh, wait where’d they go? Damnit. Alright never mind. Doesn’t matter. They were stupid anyway.

 

Dear Freshman Attending His First College Party,

How do you balance academics with extra circulars and a social life? There seems to be so much to do in every area at this campus. I want to make sure get a good liberal arts education, but I don’t want to miss out on the incredible student groups on campus. Any guidance is appreciated!

Goddamn, I am wasted. I’m at least three Keystones deep. Right Eric? Eric? Oh jesus he’s making out with that girl in the yellow top.