WHITE-GRAVENOR – For the first time in history, sources familiar with the alumni network of Georgetown University confirmed Friday that the network experienced a full and wide-reaching outage from which it is yet to recover.
At roughly 10:00 PM EST on Thursday, September 10th, Georgetown alumni around the world are said to have become heavily pixelated and sluggish before vanishing into thin air. Former mascots, staff, and the bodies of deceased alumni were not affected by the outage, according to the university.
“This was not scheduled maintenance,” remarked Georgetown University President John DeGioia between ancient incantations. “Oh God, I need to fix this. Mannaðr náttúra, létta ykkarr atganga!”
The outage resulted in the cancelation of over 400 alumni networking events slated to take place this week as the Georgetown University Emergency Alumni Recovery Board (GUEARB) attempts to troubleshoot the mass disappearance. Despite GUEARB’s concerted search effort, the mystery of the alumni network’s outage has left family, friends, and aspiring undergraduate LinkedIn connections desperate for answers.
University Information Systems Chief Lisa Davis said the investigation was “ongoing” but was prepared to issue an email regarding a “phishing attack.”
“I was at a bar with some of my buddies that
A visual approximation of the alumni network.
went to Georgetown and suddenly they just kind of froze,” said political consultant Mitch Righteous, a Clark University alumnus. “And then they vanished. The beers that they were holding shattered and made a huge mess, their clothes dropped onto the floor like they weren’t just wearing them five fucking seconds ago, it was embarrassing for all of us. I don’t know what happened to them, but I do know that this kind of shit would never happen to us Clarkies.”
At press time, it was discovered that someone had tripped over the power cord that connects Georgetown’s alumni network to reality and that “it’ll all be cool in a sec, just hold on, let me plug this sucker back in.”
