LEAVEY CENTER – Following several minutes of grueling, in-depth research, The Hoya’s Editorial Board concluded that their subject doing something, but they need to do more. “We’re happy with what’s happening, but this brain trust knows that it’s not enough,” said Editorial Board member Gabe Driscoll, adding that the subject at hand is too important […]

CAR BARN – Spooked by a thunderstorm the likes of which this city has never seen, a restless Toyota Camry knocked over a lit oil lamp Friday and sent Car Barn up in flames. “Fire was a doozy. North-western winds fanned dang blaze toward Halcyon House, flames so high could reach the pearly gates,” said […]

WILTON, CT – Following a visit from TJ Hardy’s Plumbing & Heating regarding a leaky kitchen faucet, area legal teen Riley Vixen was reportedly dismayed by her plumber’s desire to fix her literal pipes. “I leaned in real close and told him he could make this a quick in-and-out job with his electric eel, but he just told […]

WASHINGTON D.C.- As a sign of friendship and a warning to anyone thinking about challenging his infallible might, Pope Frances offered the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception seven holy relics of those who dared cross him in a Catholic mass Wednesday. The relics, consisting of two fingers, two skull fragments, a […]

HARBIN HALL – Following months of “constructive dialogue” between Georgetown University and the surrounding neighborhood, Vice President of Planning and Facilities Robin Morey announced Friday that the university plans to eliminate Georgetown-bound GUTS bus routes by the end of the fall semester. The plan seeks to strand roughly 2,000 students in areas of DC from […]

As a parent, I get your concern. Something about a disgruntled-looking older gentleman photographing an elementary school playground looks out of place.  At the same time, it’s my lunch break, and I’m not going to let you or your PTA cronies keep me from my sweetheart. Listen, I would never harm a child. I’m just […]

HEALY LAWN- Claiming that The Georgetown Chimes’ recent outdoor performance “reached new heights,” audience members praised the a cappella group’s recent performance featuring surprise guest vocalist, a Boeing 747.   The Baltimore-bound American Airlines flight joined the Chimes on Healy Lawn Thursday evening shortly after departing Ronald Reagan International Airport and stayed for the duration […]

ROSSLYN, VA – Following the discovery of a spider with a unique and irreplaceable life scampering across his kitchen floor, area Buddha Joseph Horn scooped the spider into a mug and released it into his garden. “My girlfriend was trying to get me to just get it with a napkin, but I was like, ‘no […]

HAMILTON, OH – According to a report released Wednesday by researchers at the University of Florida, Islam is now Uncle Drew’s fastest-growing misunderstanding and is likely to overtake The Illegals by 2025. “Family members report a significant uptick in the frequency of forwarded emails about Islamberg, NY and America under Sharia Law,” said the report’s lead author, […]

7-ELEVEN – Emphasizing a significant improvement in food quality and more accommodating hours of operation, Georgetown Associate Vice President for Auxiliary Business Services Joelle Wiese announced Thursday that a new five-year dining contract has been awarded to a P St. 7-Eleven taquito rotisserie. “We listened to what the students wanted, and we delivered,” said Wiese […]