DUPONT — Digital Media Strategies intern Colin Meyers (MSB ’16) unveiled a cutting edge new supervisor radar designed to help him navigate the complex and dangerous office environment.

Meyers described the weeks of development that went into the new technology as a “monumental” investment.

“Well I know that Selena, my boss, always wears this heavy bracelet and heels that have this distinctive click. I know that when her bracelet rustles on the desk I have ten seconds before she gets to my computer. When her heels hit the hardwood floor, contact with boss is imminent.”

“Of course, much of these developments, for obvious reasons, has to be kept classified,” said Meyers.

Under a banner that read “A New Tomorrow,” Meyers went on to say that “with this new technology aiding me throughout my two-day work week, I will finally be able to procrastinate in peace.”

The ability to pinpoint his boss’ location at all times, a technology which Meyers stressed was entirely internally developed, has allowed Meyers to peruse ESPN, the New York Times, and GChat at will.

“This new technology will be crucial to fending off the constant barrage of excel spreadsheets and work emails Meyers is under constant pressure to have open at all times,” said systems analyst Sarah O’Brien.

Meyers cited data showing his plummeting productivity at work while at the same time the constant levels of perceived productivity.

Observers called it a “nirvana” of idleness.

“Yeah man, Colin is never focused and Selena never calls him out on it,” said his fellow intern Mark Coworth. “I just wish I knew how he did it.”

Meyers added that he would be open to technology sharing agreements with other interns.

Reached by phone, Meyers’s intern supervisor had nothing but praise for the junior’s work at the firm. “He works so hard! Maybe he should learn to take a break sometime.”