Monday night, at approximately 10:37 pm, sophomore Kyle Oakpine disappeared while playing intramural football on Kehoe field. Upon noticing his disappearance, fellow Hoyas John Salmon (MSB ’17) and Angelica Weaver (NHS ’17) were noticeably distraught when speaking with school officials.

“We told him to stay away from that corner” Angelica stated, “but he just had to go for that touchdown.” The hole in question has been growing in size recently, and most students agreed that it should be avoided despite the fact the hole now encompasses close to 30% of the field.

Friends and supporters of Oakpine were quick to note that the University’s $17 yearly budget to ensure the safety and viability of Kehoe Field perpetually “fails to make the slightest difference.”

“If the basketball team played on Kehoe it would be fixed before Kyle slowly starves to death underneath Kehoe,” said Salmon.

When asked to comment about the rescue of Oakpine from the depths of Kehoe field, the DC Search and Rescue squad confirmed that they were evaluating the possibilty of a prolonged rescue attempt. However, school officials and the Intramural Sports Committee have made it clear that the rescue attempt could not interfere with tomorrow’s intramural football schedule, which would be using Kehoe for the event.

This incidents marks the third time that a student has disappeared into Kehoe field. However, this incident is especially remarkable because it is the first time that the missing person was not a freshman. Oakpine’s parents were incredibly upset about this. “It would be one thing if our son was just a freshman” commented Kyle’s father, “but to allow an upperclassman to fall into harm’s way makes me sick.”

Fortunately for Oakpine, hope is not lost. Many students have come together to help him return, as well as ensure his survival in the hole. Various campus fraternities have pitched in to make a Natty care package, and H*yas for Choice have sent down a large number of condoms.

Jack the Bulldog declined to comment on this issue.